The three you took. 72. If you had only one match and entered a dark doom containing an oil lamp, kindling, and a newspaper, which would you light first? Doctor takes a look at the guy and he seems a bit daft so he asks him "well, why don't you show me how you use 'em?" Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food was good, but there really wasn’t much atmosphere.

My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.” – Milton Jones The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn’t it just be easier to talk to a woman?” Stephen Brown (2008) An electric train has no smoke. 79. How is it possible for every single person to die in a plane crash but two people survived? Add the letter G and it’s “gone”! 11. What’s greater than God and more evil than the devil. Rich people want it, poor people have it. And if you eat it, you’ll die? A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

Are you even a dad if the moment you have a child, you don't immediately start throwing out painfully cheesy and groan inducing jokes? Dad jokes are something we're all used to hearing thanks to one certain family member and his questionable sense of humour; when he becomes a dad, the urge to drop puns and one-liners becomes as overriding as any of life's innate needs. The business of dad jokes has been going on for generations, but don't deny it - we all secretly love them.

I’m very conflicted by eye tests. I want to get the answers right but I really want to win the glasses.” Caroline Mabey (2017) Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business. The baby, since he is a little Bigger. 91. A man lives on the 100th floor of an apartment building. On rainy days, he rides the elevator all the way up. However, on sunny days, he only goes up halfway and then takes the stairs the rest of the way. Why is this? Breath. 31. Two mothers and two daughters went out to eat, everyone ate one slice of pizza, yet only three slices were eaten. How’s that possible? My Mum was always saying that thing parents say growing up ‘Wait until your dad gets home’. ‘Wait until your dad gets home, we’ll have a chat introduce you and see if he’ll start paying maintenance'” Hayley Ellis (2016)

Nothing. 12. A cowboy rode into town on Friday. He stayed in town for three days and rode out on Friday. How is that possible? and, as they argued amongst themselves, they kept throwing looks her way. After some time, one of them separated from the group to approach her. It was Doc. My mate is called Liam, but we call him ‘Two Legs Liam’. The reason for that is because he only has one arm.” Andrew Ryan (2016) If Sally had 4 piles of sand and Judy had 5 piles of sand, and they put them all together, how many piles would there be? I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times.” Felicity Ward (2016)

menders19 12. I met some chess players in the hotel lobby. They were bragging about how good they were… The catcher and the umpire. 60. Beth’s mother has three daughters. One is called Lara, the other one is Sara. What is the name of the third daughter? He is bald. 78. If an electric train is moving north at 100 mph and a wind is blowing west at 10 mph, which way does the smoke blow? I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.” Rob Auton (2013) I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.

Walk on the living, they don’t even mumble. Walk on the dead, they mutter and grumble. What are they? Things to do Edinburgh: 10 animal experiences in Edinburgh, from alpaca walking to cat cafe to Edinburgh ZooMy mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.” Sarah Millican (2011) Sarah Millican performed her show Throughly Modern Millican in 2011 (Photo: BBC)