New York sex and relationship therapist Cyndi Darnell specializes in the psychosomatic aspect of painful intercourse. She explains that “psychosomatic” doesn’t mean that a patient is imagining their pain, but that there more factors that should be considered when approaching treatment. “Pelvic/sexual pain is very real and not imaginary. Persistent problems with painful intercourse can be approached through talk therapy, education and partner education,” she says. The societal silence around painful sex and pelvic health is part of a larger systemic problem where our medical institutions, education systems, and insurance policies generally don’t support female sexual dysfunction,” explains Sauer. A penis-shortening device modeled after Giulelmus Fabricius Hildanus' description. Credit: Courtesy of Erwin Kompanje

Emily Sauer, founder of Lady Parts Justice League, is working for a future where painful intercourse will be history.

What are the best sex toys for men?

So how does it feel for the person with the vagina? You may think that shallower penetration doesn't feel as good. It's true that it's different, but it's still really pleasurable. At least, it’s a thousand times better than that stabbing vagina pain. It’s hard to explain — it’s like my body can tell that something is different, but, like my partner described, it doesn’t feel like anything is missing. We’re still having sex and even though we’re using our bodies a bit differently, the mechanics of the act are exactly the same. So, should I buy it?

The Ohnut approaches “painful sex holistically,” allowing users to control how deeply the vagina is penetrated during sex through compression technology and a patent-pending linking ring. If you need to strengthen your pelvic floor, the sexual wellness retailer's Silicone Kegel Toning Set can help. It's cleverly shaped for easy, progressive training in 50g, 80g and 100g weights. By strengthening the pelvic floor, this set may improve bladder control and increase the intensity of orgasms.

A brief history of deep penetration pain (and its erasure)

Of course, the Ohnut isn’t a sure cure for all types of painful intercourse, but it’s an option that may help for some — especially when used in conjunction with other treatments. And if you don’t like the sensation of a new toy the very first time you use it, don’t give up on it just yet. “The first time we try anything, we’re doing what we call spectatoring, which is observing ourselves, how it’s going, what we thought, what our partner thought. We’re in our heads and not so much in the experience,” says Fleming. “So try, try again.” Sauer says, “Ohnut not only allows control over depth, it also offers a fresh opportunity for couples to ideate and work together to find out what works for their shared experience.” In addition to being experienced as a range of physical sensations (burning, throbbing, aching), dyspareunia can also affect people emotionally. It may lead to embarrassment, guilt, confusion, and feelings of loneliness. Furthermore, Sauer says many women find the topic difficult to discuss and often won’t report sexual pain when they begin experiencing it.

Denying the fact that sometimes sex hurts is like being embarrassed to have the flu,” Sauer says. “And this is not just a conversation for women. Men have been showing up in the most incredible ways, eager to learn. Our male testers find themselves asking, ‘Does this feel good? What about this?’”The terms we use when talking about sex reflect the widespread and longstanding nature of this penile focus, argues Amy Boyajian of Wild Flower, a sexual health boutique focused on inclusion and education. Specifically, they convey the long-entrenched idea that "the penis-owner is the one doing and leading the action of sex," they explain. "If sex came from a receiver-centered view, we might say envelopment or enwrapping" instead of penetration when talking about intercourse. Another product worth considering is the Silicone Dilator Set. If you suffer from vaginal tightness, these dilators can gradually increase in diameter so you can slowly introduce your body to penetration. Bottom line, the Ohnut isn’t going to work for everybody because every body is different, and it certainly won’t work for all types of pelvic pain. Even I still experience painful sex sometimes. I think for some people, the Ohnut may just provide space to relax — and the body’s inability to relax can be a significant contributor to the reasons penetration can hurt. To try it out, snag one for yourself here.

This broad, public reevaluation of norms and expectations around sex and pleasure, alongside the mainstreaming of the sexual health and wellness industry, then created cultural and economic space for a new wave of products designed by and/or for receptive partners. Which explains how and why a few other explicitly depth-limiting devices, like the established toy brand Perfect Fit's The Bumper Thrust Buffer, launched around the same time as the OhNut.I think we have a cultural myth that sex is supposed to be simple,” says Amy Steinhauer, a sex therapist from Evanston, Illinois. She notes attitudes toward sexual pain are “similar to how our larger culture tends to view mental health problems, unfortunately.” What changed? Over the last week, I’ve been able to have the kind of sex I used to have — the kind that leaves me sore in the good way the next day — and it’s all thanks to this little thing called the Ohnut. What is the Ohnut, and how does it work? The products in this range are made from body-safe, silky soft silicone which feels great next to the skin."